I don’t want this too be too late so just gonna throw this up rn and edit it later with my notes later so look forward to learning about capacitors :)
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spoiler
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I’m currently in that stage of life where I’m yearning for the human instrumentality project from evangelion. And uh … that’s not a good thing.
Been thinking of trying out streaming lately, I have a lot of the work done, but I need a plan to make this work
Gonna get some new glasses to replace my 4 year old masc-leaning frames. Baby steps :)
I have bottom surgery tomorrow!! (yay)
Congrats, sending you good vibes!
That’s awesome, hope everything goes well for you :cat-trans:
May your complications be few and joys be many.
Jealousss. Good luck!
congrats! it’s going to go so well.
“It’s not fair,” Christine says. “I can be pretty! I can wear nice things, if someone else picks them out for me.
i’m being bullied by a book
Dorley is too real at times.
I love being reminded I do not pass
Was looking for something before I go to bed and holy fuck my room is a shithole right now. Haven’t cleaned in ages because I’ve felt like shit. Shame because it was really nicely kept for a while.
one last negativity for the road
FUCK I hate being trans. I hate all the things I’m dysphoric about, I hate the decisions, I hate not being out, I hate being out and not looking how I want to, I hate being so widely discriminated against, I hate what puberty did to me, I hate how fucking expensive fixing this shitbox body is going to be. I honestly cannot think of anything about this experience that I like. All because my stupid fucking failbrain didn’t want to masculinize correctly. Now I’m just fucking fucked because some fucking hormone receptors couldn’t do THEIR FUCKING JOBS* and now I get to suffer because of it.
Re: one last negativity for the road
I feel that so much, being trans is the thing I hate and despise about myself the most TBH.
My life has been so much worse because of it. Am on my 3rd attempt to get some form of formal education and don’t even remember what it’s like to be able to feel genuine joy…
same spoilers
That’s too bad :(
I love being trans! Best thing to ever happen to me. There’s parts that were hard and shitty and sucked for sure, I dont want to sugar coat it or pretend it isnt difficult. But for me its been about joy and euphoria for the last 6 years. Every day I get to wake up and be a woman, that shit rocks. Estrogen did so much for how I look and feel. I love having boobs, how my face looks. Im also very very open about being trans at work and in my personal life, and for me the anxiety about coming out or the anxiety of potential persecution (which is bad and I believe empirically is just as bad as actual persecution) was worse than the reality of actually being out. My coworkers got me a gift card and get well soon card for my upcoming bottom surgery, its very sweet (I work in healthcare). Ive commiserated so much with cis women about HRT, not having a uterus, the hegemonic feminine ideal, the patriarchy, dating men, all of that, we’re all in the same boat on so much.
I do wonder what it is that made me euphoria first over dysphoria first in my own transition. Cause this has all been pretty great!
spoiler
Ive commiserated so much with cis women about HRT, not having a uterus, the hegemonic feminine ideal, the patriarchy, dating men, all of that, we’re all in the same boat on so much.
I wish my issues were even close to cis women’s in this regard. We really are not in the same boat of problems, me and them.
deep, despair-fueled self-hatred
I’m glad you have that but nothing and no amount of euphoria will erase the absence of a real childhood and teens, as well as the torture of having dysphoria while having to watch my body go through male puberty…
I could not wish that type of suffering upon my worst enemy. /gen
E.g. being out and socially transitioning gives me panic attacks because it unlocks endless torrents of dysphoria since doing so highlights be never being AFAB…
Also I’m more likely to rope before every getting that far, my brain is so aversed to any additional meaningless effort I seem to have to out in at least twice as much of just to get by, not even talking about fully transitioning (am only on HRT for now).
I fucking despise and abhor all the deranged choices my brain has made for me and what I have to go through to make it not wanna kill itself…spoiler
I dont want to discount your pain.
I dont really mourn my lack of girlhood and being an adolescent girl. I guess Im a little salty I missed out on being a hot bi college woman though lol. I watched my body go through male puberty too, I wasnt a fan either.
Im not AFAB either obviously, but I actually quite like being transgender anyway which isnt somrthing I could get if Id been a cis woman. If I could redesign my life, Id still choose to be trans, I really do love it! I even socially transitioned before I did HRT, I did not pass even a little lol but I still did it and dont regret it.
I get dysphoria too, it does hurt, I get misgendered - but less and less and less as time goes on.
As time goes on, I begin to agree more and more with what you wrote in the spoiler.
I’ve been like that since just two years after realising I was trans TBH…
Funny, I am two years into this. Think I’ve been like this for a while now though :sadness:
I was better at repressing dysphoria back then for a while. Also full on puberty started later for me
fuck :cri
tired and crying a lot today. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, probably wednesday too.I’m lonely. I’m dysphoric. Drained. So unbelievably drained.
current
Haha
Also capacitors rock. I’m currently (haha) reading about DC power supplies and how capacitors do the bulk of making AC current stable, the other half largely being diodes.
Body image stuff
Being heavy before HRT and earlier on in the process caused me so much dysphoria. But omg I’m starting to enjoy it now? I have a wonderfully soft and squishy tummy, and looking in the mirror now I just look good to myself.
Part of this has been working on my own body image and unlearning fat-phobia. Which like most forms of bigotry, the internalized form seems to have taken the longest to counteract.
But also, as I’m starting to slowly approach the 2 year mark on hrt, the fat redistribution is becoming more noticeable.
Fuck yeah capacitors mega! Excellent choice :)
I’m not typing shit out cause it just feels like grabbing attention “oh look how fucked up and edgy I am”. But I do not feel ok in general these days <—understatement
Youre allowed to speak on your feelings. Youre good about this but probably should keep putting the real dark stuff under spoilers.
WaitingGet better insuranceGet up to date health recordsSchedule consultFirst electrolysis appointment<–- Consult
Feels good to keep making progress, even if it hurts a little too
My first electrolysis appointment sucked hard, because I’m allergic to nickel and the needles were stainless steel. I had a rash for weeks afterward. I still haven’t worked up the nerve to go back. -_-
Oh no :( That’s a particularly traumatizing first appointment. I hope there are no issues when you feel ready to go back
little rant about Audhd, AI
>spend 5 years studying and take out student loans to study the only subject I’m interested and capable in
>Consider dropping out after 2 years, but my parents advise me not to “because then you’ll make less money”
>entire industry is incinerated by AI just before I get done studying it
>Audhd crippling me from studying any other subject
>Adult now and getting an ADHD diagnosis is way harder because they say "Oh but you managed to study at uni so you clearly can’t have adhd
"That industry is ravaged now because of the combination of AI and dumbass Elon firing half the engineers in the government, so now we’re saturated to hell and back.
