I don’t want this too be too late so just gonna throw this up rn and edit it later with my notes later so look forward to learning about capacitors :)
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spoiler
deep, despair-fueled self-hatred
I’m glad you have that but nothing and no amount of euphoria will erase the absence of a real childhood and teens, as well as the torture of having dysphoria while having to watch my body go through male puberty…
I could not wish that type of suffering upon my worst enemy. /gen
E.g. being out and socially transitioning gives me panic attacks because it unlocks endless torrents of dysphoria since doing so highlights be never being AFAB…
Also I’m more likely to rope before every getting that far, my brain is so aversed to any additional meaningless effort I seem to have to out in at least twice as much of just to get by, not even talking about fully transitioning (am only on HRT for now).
I fucking despise and abhor all the deranged choices my brain has made for me and what I have to go through to make it not wanna kill itself…
spoiler
I dont want to discount your pain.
I dont really mourn my lack of girlhood and being an adolescent girl. I guess Im a little salty I missed out on being a hot bi college woman though lol. I watched my body go through male puberty too, I wasnt a fan either.
Im not AFAB either obviously, but I actually quite like being transgender anyway which isnt somrthing I could get if Id been a cis woman. If I could redesign my life, Id still choose to be trans, I really do love it! I even socially transitioned before I did HRT, I did not pass even a little lol but I still did it and dont regret it.
I get dysphoria too, it does hurt, I get misgendered - but less and less and less as time goes on.