TerminalEncounter [she/her]

The way you described it before was more like mere kink and a mix of a lot of shame and self judgement over having it.

This one definitely feels more dangerous and more like suicidal ideation, and it mightve been like that before but the kink lens was how I saw it previously. If it is bad, obviously the focus is more on getting in a headspace with more self love and self compassion than worrying about what it means in terms of sexuality and kink.

I dont want to discount your pain.

I dont really mourn my lack of girlhood and being an adolescent girl. I guess Im a little salty I missed out on being a hot bi college woman though lol. I watched my body go through male puberty too, I wasnt a fan either.

Im not AFAB either obviously, but I actually quite like being transgender anyway which isnt somrthing I could get if Id been a cis woman. If I could redesign my life, Id still choose to be trans, I really do love it! I even socially transitioned before I did HRT, I did not pass even a little lol but I still did it and dont regret it.

I get dysphoria too, it does hurt, I get misgendered - but less and less and less as time goes on.

That’s too bad :(

I love being trans! Best thing to ever happen to me. There’s parts that were hard and shitty and sucked for sure, I dont want to sugar coat it or pretend it isnt difficult. But for me its been about joy and euphoria for the last 6 years. Every day I get to wake up and be a woman, that shit rocks. Estrogen did so much for how I look and feel. I love having boobs, how my face looks. Im also very very open about being trans at work and in my personal life, and for me the anxiety about coming out or the anxiety of potential persecution (which is bad and I believe empirically is just as bad as actual persecution) was worse than the reality of actually being out. My coworkers got me a gift card and get well soon card for my upcoming bottom surgery, its very sweet (I work in healthcare). Ive commiserated so much with cis women about HRT, not having a uterus, the hegemonic feminine ideal, the patriarchy, dating men, all of that, we’re all in the same boat on so much.

I do wonder what it is that made me euphoria first over dysphoria first in my own transition. Cause this has all been pretty great!

The alginate is good for 3 casts, but then I have a negative cast for later anyway if I wanna make copies. Honestly, Im not like torn up about it not working perfectly and all. With how annoying this process was, its just making me happier that Im getting it turned into a vagina lol. I have friends whove done it and they didnt seem to struggle as much as I have

I have a couple more days before surgery!!

I finally got to try the clone a dick thing. I had to get more alginate powder. I dunno what was going on, I think I was literally too thick??? Anyway got one semi successful cast of my gock.

My ex was also ace, we didnt break up cause of the ace part (we were together for 11 years and we both knew the whole time they were ace)

They described ace horniness as like needing to itch or eat or sleep. Its just a bare physical drive without deeper meaning for your ssexuality. Doesn’t make you less ace, just a regular embodied human who evolution gave a series of drives.

What does being a good student (of femininity) mean to you?

When you go to the meetups you do also have to open up and talk to people, hopefully now that the winter holidays are over it’ll start picking up again. Especially for university clubs, which you should absolutely join. But it does mean you have to talk to the 22 year old youre terrified of. Also, its trite and not necessarily actionable because of cost but you should be seeking therapy if you can for social anxiety. You shouldn’t be terrified of speaking to anyone casually let alone 22 year olds even if they’re pretty.

For that situation I would absolutely be working on my own mental health first and while getting friends ans a support network would help its not the whole answer. Feeling that way isnt something that can be “cured” by socialization alone.

Im so sorry youre hurting so much, it must be hard to balance school, looking for meetups and attending them, work too, and so on. Its a lot to take on!