I don’t want this too be too late so just gonna throw this up rn and edit it later with my notes later so look forward to learning about capacitors :)

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  • sodium_nitride [she/her, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
    6·
    1 day ago
    CW:suicide+SA

    Might as well speak. If I start self-censoring on an anonymous forum (mass surveillance not widthstanding), then what’s the point?

    Anyways, I’m sure many of you already know about my deeply fucked up “fantasies”. No point repeating them cause you can just search my previous comments with s**cide and r*pe and SA keywords.

    But anyway, those are not really fantasies, more like hauntings. And they never went away, I just didn’t focus on them for a while. As soon as I did again, the floodgates opened and I feel every bit as desperate and choked as I ever did back then.

    And I know many people will tell me that one day I will find a partner that I can safely practice BDSM with, but this is not BDSM, I just want to fucking die. I would just prefer it to be at the hands of a partner cause that would make it less scary.

    And I’m not sure if you can call it a CNC kink when I can’t even imagine anyone genuinely being attracted to me. I only want to be SA’d again cause the only way I can imagine someone enjoying it is if it could satisfy their urge for hurting a human.

    Or maybe, this all is just how people with this “kink” are, and this is the source. It’s a coping mechanism. But God do I want this to end.

    • sodium_nitride [she/her, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
      5·
      1 day ago
      spoiler

      How much of a kink is it when I can’t even look at porn without crying and feeling sad and I don’t even look at porn or mastrubate, I just fucking hate myself. Shittiest kink ever.

      • TerminalEncounter [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
        4·
        1 day ago
        spoiler

        The way you described it before was more like mere kink and a mix of a lot of shame and self judgement over having it.

        This one definitely feels more dangerous and more like suicidal ideation, and it mightve been like that before but the kink lens was how I saw it previously. If it is bad, obviously the focus is more on getting in a headspace with more self love and self compassion than worrying about what it means in terms of sexuality and kink.

        • sodium_nitride [she/her, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
          4·
          1 day ago
          spoiler

          Maybe it is my fault that I brought up the kink lens to begin with, because in the past, that is how I explored it. Maybe exploring it like that in the first place is what crossed my wires in so many bizzare and unhealthy ways. But when I started, I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was really suicidal (who does?). It was ironically enough the same way I came to accept that I was trans. And the fact that I started out by watching crossdressing stuff hurt me the same way too.

          Edit: There is nothing pleasurable at all about the things I am ideating about. I’m just being delusional and snuffing copium.