FINALLY. I have waited so long for this. Woke destroyed cereal the moment they removed the mascots’ penises. Tony the Tiger, the Trix Rabbit, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun and Froot Loops Toucan- these used to be symbols of masculinity that were proudly engorged on the box.
Tony: “Why ya just sittin’ there, Toucan? If I had wings I’d be flyin’ everywhere.”
Leprechaun: “Ah - leave 'im alone - ya filthy striped bastard. He can’t fly now.”
Tony: “Why?”
Tony: “'Cause he’s tumescent!”
Tony: “Oh.”
Toucan: “Follow my nose…”
It isn’t cocopuffs without full cock.
isn’t his name Lucky?
Tony is seared into my brain due to me watching several lifetimes worth of tv before I was even 20. But I was too lazy to google the other guy’s names.
The thing that made him lucky was the Christmas ham he had in his pants. They changed his name when woke happened.
I swear to god there was a thread on Hexbear where we lathed this product into existence. I also remember a manly juice (or in reality fruit drink in the US) called “FRUIT BLOOD” or something like that, and a caffeinated version called “ULTRA FRUIT BLOOD”
apparently carnivores are allowed to eat fruits now (after they realised malnutrition and scurvy are not woke vegan propaganda) so FRVIT BLÖÖD would probably sell really well
Only betas get scurvy. It is a sign of weakness.
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
100% chance this thing is artificially sweetened to be taste exactly the same as those glazed balls Kellogg’s cereals, and then marked up another 50%.
Yes. But…
marked up another 50%.
Only 50%? I bet the chuds will pay top dollar for a Man Cereal. My guess is the markup is 200+%.
https://eatmancereal.com/products/maple-bacon-3-pack
58 dollars for a three pack. About 20 dollars per box lmfao
Last one is legitimately unhinged
About 20 dollars per box
The Trump Train is HSR of course but for the president’s biggest fans it has a fake old-timey sound effect: chudda-chudda-chudda chud-chud…
The chuds think Trump really loves them. They’re always a-hootin’ and a-hollerin’ every time it goes by.
-–
I know I - cough - went off the rails. But in going off topic - I got happy making the train jokes and I need to laugh more today or I’m going to go insane at the situation in Minneapolis, etc.
Now that I think about it, this is an amazing grift. You look at their site and the ticker is going “No estrogenics, no seed oils”. They know their target market. In fact it feels almost comically formulaic according to the conventional “how to start a business” guide. “Describe, define, picture your consumer.” The consumer is a man who works out a lot and is concerned about projecting manliness.
The price of a box is about $18 before discounts, with a subscription it’s $11. Compare that to regular keto cereal which is $7 to $9 at my local Walmart.
go into the grocery store asking where the man cereal is, get pointed to the cereal, tell them no, the cereal FOR MEN, be told this is the cereal sir, scream, cry, shit self, post misogyny on twitter about it home alone because divorce
that’s how i envision a day in the life of the target demo
The angry tweet
My local supermarket did not understand MAN CEREAL. Stupid clerk. I told him to get to his manager. I talked to his manager and he was smirking! No cereal. So I bought a three pound steak, came home, cooked it well done of course like Trump, and I ate it all. I hate fucking woke! My wife…
The post goes on for another 500 words.
The photo was apparently taken in Brooklyn.
-–
I didn’t expect the following flavor
“Loud, juicy and legendary”
And thank GOD it has no soy
I know Americans don’t know what a soybean actually looks like. But it doesn’t look like somebody stepped on a hotdog.
Hairy green nutsacks
those nutsacks are good off the plant too.
i used to hike through a park with a working farm and just snack on the remnant plants after they harvested,i got really good at peeling that hairy skin off and squeezing them out one by one lol
This is why I browse this site.
Come for c/news, stay for the beanis
I open my box of man cereal.
I shake exactly two cereal balls into my bowl.
The two balls are so large they fill the entire bowl.
I pour milk into the bowl and smoke a cigarette indoors while i wait for my cereal to soften.putting balls in your mouth sounds kinda
Finally! I’m so tired of eating woke grains and sugar!
Personally - I’m disappointed. How can it be Man Cereal if it’s not 100% meat???
Maybe try adding some man milk
I saw a keto “cereal” that was flavored pork rinds
I immediately went
Bachelor Chow! Now with flavor.
comes with a color changing spoon with tactical grip
Tactical spoons - not as a joke - should actually exist. For example - yer eating some cereal for yer chow but the enemy appears outta nowhere. Knife? You don’t have it. Gun? You don’t got it. Whaddya gonna do?
-–
Ninja edit
Whaddya gonna do? You’re gonna spork 'em!
Honestly surprised that wasn’t Cold Steel
holds up spork ^_^/(‘’‘’)
Perfect for eating my tactical bacon
Canned bacon: GIRLIE, GAY, COMMIE, BAD
Tactical bacon: STRONG, POWERFUL, MANLY, ALPHA
I bet tactical bacon costs at least three times as much. But what can the chuds do? Being ALPHA ain’t easy or cheap.
It has a toy knife in the handle. Cute.
for when you’re eating cereal but an ASSAILANT appears out of nowhere to ENDAGER your FAMILY
edit oh wait that’s what the original post said, I’m slow
Ironically the one time a bayonet mount is a good idea
Capitalists innovation 10/10, no notes
ad copy should’ve been “put these balls in your mouth”
Mmmm - yummy. Manly Balls.
Everyone knows real men eat
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJJoGtDKQeo
I was going to write some parody lyrics but inspiration failed me. But I’ll share something made me laugh in the real lyrics…
[Bridge]
Fire
Fire, fireI found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Critical support for bachelor chow. I am into the thought of kibble. I ate monkey chow for a while and this is probably better than that.
cereal got it’s balls back
Time to guzzle down some balls drenched in white fluid before me and my definitely not gay bros get all sweaty at the gym.
If you’re eating anything other than bran flakes to curb your urge to masturbate you’re not a man.
That wasn’t strong enough for me, had to get the yogurt enema too.
![[Not the Onion] Man Cereal](https://hexbear.net/pictrs/image/7acb0e31-cd90-4b03-8664-619f2f917413.jpeg){kind=link}