I don’t want this too be too late so just gonna throw this up rn and edit it later with my notes later so look forward to learning about capacitors :)
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dysphoria
Been pretty dysphoric lately. Bottom dysphoria has been rough. Its so… weird and gross and wrong. Its weird and fleshy and I don’t like it. idk how to describe the feeling. Worse when it gets excited ofc. Keep stopping to cry which is not my favorite…
Facial hair. Need fucking laser. First thing I’m doing when I finally get a car. Hate ts and I rarely get it all off.
Biggest tragedy is my voice. 3 months hrt and hardly any voice training. Girlmoding with this fucking mans voice sounds worse then death. I actually, actually am so fucked in this regard.
My size and everything else. I’m taller then all of the women at work and most of the men. I was working with this one girl most of the weekend and talking with her a lot and she’s so much shorter then me. Probably a foot idk she’s tiny. Fuck me.
Also my feet and hands are too fucking big. Hate how big my fucking feet are.
I hate being called my deadname and misgendered and its way worse when its someone I’m out to. I told my boss a little bit ago and she’s been good enough about it but never asked my name, always calls me my old stuff even in private, just sucks. Clearly doesn’t think of me as a woman. Unfortunate. Not bringing it up or pushing it with her because she’s my boss but whatever.
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Oh, I also HATE MY CHEESE GRATER FEELING ASS BEARD THAT I SHAVED FUCKING YESTERDAY AND ALREADY MAKES ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE…
For what it’s worth, HRT can shrink you a bit, including hands and feet. For some people it’s more, for some people it’s less, but it takes time. I’m personally hoping it will knock me down a shoe size or two so I can find shoes a little more easily.
For your voice, you need to train. There is a surgery I think, but voice training is very powerful and can REALLY help you. I went from very masculine to sort of girly with very lazy training, just need to keep it up and explore you vocal range, maybe get a voice coach.
voice
Yeah vocal feminization surgery is a thing but you still need to train your voice in order to really take advantage of it.
Did you offer your boss your chosen name? If not, she might not have asked because she wants to respect your privacy.
Laser’s definitely worth it when possible. That’s something that makes a big difference in how it feels to look at your face.
Regarding voice, have you heard of November Kelly?
No. I feel weird telling her and maybe making it awkward or like I’m being difficult. fwiw we have talked about the effects of E on our emotions. I don’t know how to offer her my name without asking her to use it for me in private and I don’t want to push her bc she’s my boss.
No I haven’t, what about her?
I don’t know your boss so I can’t know how she’s going to react - but if someone came out to me and told me their new name, I’d be glad they were able to trust me. And that’s a reaction I’ve gotten from other people before.
November is a trans woman and a podcaster. Despite seemingly not having done much voice training, she makes a living primarily by talking. Maybe you would find that comforting?
Also for what it’s worth, 3 months isn’t that long in terms of transitioning. If your voice bothers you, changing it will require patience, but it absolutely can be done.
Probably should have just said my name in the initial conversation tbh. Despite having done it a bunch of times I still suck at coming out. Now idk how to bring it up. Because I really do feel quite nervous about making that request, especially looking/sounding like this.
I can’t pull up any clips of her for some reason. It doesn’t really tbh, but thank you for trying.
No, just a sign of how much time has already passed and if I don’t start soon I will have to and I really don’t want to.
Don’t think it can be tbh. At least I can’t. I can’t even start, or understand it, or anything. Let alone be so exceptional as to get a voice I’d be happy with.
i had this issue starting voice training because too many of the videos on it delved too deeply
and too greedilyinto the technical aspects to make any sense to my useless dipshit brain. my understanding is that is less the case now than it was in the past (with people like transvoicelessons on youtube etc making the switch to a more casual-friendly approach rather than a “get a degree in audio engineering/music theory” one) but if you still find it impossible to understand then honestly you can just ignore all that shit? the easiest way to voice train is just to try and keep trying. sing along to songs that are close to what you wanna sound like, try to imitate voices you enjoy, that sort of thing. in my case i get immense panic/despair when trying to actually practice along to all the various techniques and shit so i just started mimicking instead and it has worked well enough to pass 100% of the time on the phone despite having a relatively deep natural speaking voicei won’t lie and say i’m perfectly thrilled with it but if you main pain point is passing then it could be a valid pathway for you to pursue.
There is still time.
Don’t worry, you get plenty more practice at it. And you don’t need to be perfect: ✔️ Just Do It. If you wait to do things until you’re perfectly happy with your appearance, you’re never going to do anything!